My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
