TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
