just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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