The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
