textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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