The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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