apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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