I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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