woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
