The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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