i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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