Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
