I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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