apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
