update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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