Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
