Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
