my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
