She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
