Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
