if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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