It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
