Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
