It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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