he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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