Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
me + whiskey = a bad person
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
