when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
