ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
