wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
