i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Rumble strips road head = magical
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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