I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
