I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
