obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
