Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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