I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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