cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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