the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
what the fuck happened to the tacos
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
