my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
