Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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