lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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