So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
