Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
