The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
