I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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