I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
