I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
