You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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