You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
