Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
