Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
