Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
