My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
