Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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